Recently huffing and puffing about life I told my mother that I do not want to be a secretary for the rest of my life. When she asked me why I didn’t want to be stuck at my new mundane 9-5 desk job that had salary pay and nice benefits I responded, “It don’t make me happy, It’s boring, I’m not getting anything out of it.”
She looked at me as if I was crazy before saying words an optimist as myself dreads, “You may never find a job that makes you happy. Just be happy you have a job.” That moment I grew quite angry and for a few minutes I imagined she was right. I felt my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach and my mind scattered a million places. But you told me I could be whatever I wanted! I almost felt like a six year old and wanted to cry but I stared at her and nodded. I was confused. What if I never did find a job that made me happy? Maybe shes measuring my happiness in money or something I don’t know but I will tell you one thing. I refuse to give up. I will find something that makes me happy and gives me the opportunity to help people also. When I tell her I want to go to other countries to help little kids learn how to read she doesn’t understand. I genuinely have a want to help people. I feel a piece of me is fullfilled when I can help one person. I don’t consider myself a humanitarian but I enjoy helping. I also have a passion for writing. The perfect writing job necessarily doesn’t have to come with the most money. I feel like writing is what I was meant to do. I tell my mom all the time that I want to quit my job to write full time and she just looks at me like I’m batshit crazy. Maybe one day she’ll get it. I keep telling her when I publish my first best selling fiction novel I’m donating a little to a cause, giving her some, and keeping the rest for me and by that I do not mean go out and buy an expensive pair of shoes. I’ll still continue to wear off brand fashionably cute down to Earth type of things. (Whatever that means)!
I feel like since I’m young and I look great, I want to take advantage of some opportunities though. Growing up I was sure I knew what I wanted to do in life and I knew where I wanted to be. I still have that problem, where I want everything to be the way I want it to be. That is so not the case in life. I’m slowly learning that’s not how life works. I’m thinking of dabbling in modeling. My brother’s girlfriend is a photographer and she tells me I can make money looking the way I do. It’s not something I’ve always wanted to do since I’m not really great with being the center of attention but I think it’s worth a shot. Hmph! Who knows what the future holds. I’m just realizing an important lesson. The lesson of 2011 for me is learning how to let go and just let things happen. What did you want to be growing up? What are you doing now?