Yesterday was his birthday, a part of me wanted to wish him a happy birthday but another part of me was wishing I hadn’t remembered. I was in an emotion filled relationship on and off with him for seven years. How could I not remember? When things were good they were fairy tale like, when they were bad it was enough to break me. First love will always do that to you.Most if it was long distance because in an effort to seek direction he joined the Navy. I held him down and one time when were “off” he slept with another girl, who nine months later had a baby. I still remember crying in the shower as I tried to sort through my feelings. I’m not really good with feelings. I’m not really sure if I forgave him for that. Then when I went to go visit him, it was all too real. I traveled all the way to the other side of the country for closure. Then and there I realized that I loved him I just wasn’t in love with him. I almost felt like an intruder in his house. He seemed close to the mother of his child.  He didn’t take care of his life enough for me. I needed stability. I needed closure. The level of trust there had been broken and could never be fixed. It was like trying to put together the pieces of a broken mirror impossible.  On the way to the San Diego airport, we never hugged or said goodbye. I just walked away knowing I deserved better. I wanted someone to love me with their all. I couldn’t accept only forty percent of him.I wanted every part of him and I couldn’t have it.