I don’t talk about my feelings. I think it’s because my mom has never been the feeling type of person and I was raised in a household full of guys. I played Barbies and flag football (I’m the best of both worlds).  I always feel like I have to be strong, I’m a rock to some people. If I cry then all hell would break loose. I’ve only been in love twice one was puppy love (I still talk to that guy every now and then)and one was full blown blinded “can’t tell me nothing, I know everything” type of love.  The puppy love ended because the puppy I was fond over moved away we were young we just lost touch and then the other one scared me. I was in junior high, I’ll never forget the day I met him and he won’t let me forget I’m pretty sure he meant that.  I sat in the cafeteria with my childhood best friend eating and being goofy as usual. I was far from popular, I’ve always lived in my own little world but in junior high I really had this “IDGAF” type of attitude. I had a different hair color every week and you couldn’t tell me shit.  So I’m sitting there and I’m minding my business and this one guy I knew as Brian came over and sat next tome. He told me his friend wanted to know if I was single and his friend was interested in me. I shrugged it off and I told him I was single.  I found it to be weird and I went back to talking to my friends before he appeared seated next to me. He was fine, I wasn’t going to lie, but I knew he was the biggest man whore I’ve ever heard of. I wasn’t trying to be this guy’s pond. I wasn’t keen of strangers. He introduced himself really slick. I don’t remember his exact words but he asked me to be his girlfriend and my eyes almost bulged out of their sockets.  I stared into those light brown eyes of his and I wanted to say no. My mouth went to form the words “no” and before I could get it out the whole lunchroom erupted shouting “Say Yes”. I swear it was something out of a movie. I said yes and I hugged him but it felt odd.  Afterwards I told him I couldn’t be his girlfriend because I didn’t know him and I wanted to start off as friends. We did and after wrecking a few of his relationships, I realized I liked this guy.We never spoke on but we kinda knew it was there.

We even went to high school together.  He told me about where he was from, where he grew up and I even ignored him when he was forever pulling his dick out in class. I was coming close to trusting this guy and then one day my heart stopped. We sat in Sex Ed class next to each other and he told me he was moving away to the other side of the country.  I didn’t know what to say. My feelings didn’t matter now. He was moving. Did I really love this guy? Turns out we got closer when he moved than when he was actually near me. I finally broke down and told him how I felt. That was the beginning of what we thought would be something special. I didn’t know what it was but I wanted to pursue it. When he cheated on me with my stepsister (who I don’t know very well) I told him we could get over it, then during one of our many on and off periods he slept with a girl, got her pregnant. “We can get through this” I told him again. I was 6 years into this guy and I think I was trying to convince myself that we could get through this. But after a while it felt like I was repeatedly getting ran over by a vehicle and getting up, dusting my pants off and saying “Oh it’s okay”.

It wasn’t okay. I wasn’t into forgiving and I felt like I was settling. I realized this once I made it to California. It was now years even I had intentions to see how he lived, to see if we really could work it out and if I wanted to move in with him.  My heart fluttered the day he picked me up at San Diego airport and I held him tightly. It was weird. After four years of college (four years of him being in the Navy) and four years of just talking on the phone and rare visits I finally got a chance to see him and to hold him. He hadn’t changed a bit and I felt like something was wrong.

Miles and miles away from home I began to ponder what the hell was I doing? Chasing my heart I never did anything half way I put my all into everything and a relationship was no different.  In those two long California weeks, there was a heat wave in Pittsburgh and it was chilly in San Diego. I spent more time with this guy’s friends than I did with him. We slept in the same bed but I didn’t feel attracted to him anymore. I didn’t know why.  I realized somewhere in those two weeks that although he hadn’t changed I did. I had grown and he was still mentally in the same spot that I had left him.  I didn’t know what to do. I finally got to meet his daughter and I thought things would be wonderful until she finally showed up. He brought her over and it became real. He told me he was a father but seeing him with her made my heart break. I realized he was my first love and I could never give him his first child. He already had one.  If that wasn’t enough to convince me that I was in love with what we used to have, I saw something. He doesn’t know I saw it. I just distanced myself after I saw it. This guy never told me about the mother of his child, he did say a while back they got married because he would receive more money for being married.  It sounded legit to me because I was in love. I would play on his computer while he was at work during the day.  One night he came from class, played a little on Facebook and went to sleep. I got off my laptop and went to play on his computer and I realized he left his Facebook page up. I snooped, I’ll admit it. I’m usually not a snooper.  I’ve had his password for years and I didn’t use it ever. It was already open so I read the conversation between him and his wife (they were separated). He had a ring and everything. He was thinking about moving back in with this girl. He wanted to make it work. My heart dropped in the pit of my stomach because the more I began to trust this guy the more he seemed to fuck up. I was terrified.  I was tired and I cried. I was tired of crying. I cried when he told me he was seeing my sister, I cried when he told me he got another girl pregnant and I cried when I told him it was okay to marry her because I didn’t think he’d do it to be quite honest. I had made a mess because I wasn’t forward with my feelings. I love him and despite what people tend to think I’m a very emotional being. I’m just guarded because I don’t like being hurt.

Following my heart led me to California last summer. I hope in 2012 I’ll be able to continue to make decisions with my heart. I like wearing my heart on my sleeve.  It just scares me that I’ll have to start this process all over again.

& Closure