(Me & my big brother when we were babies. I’ve always had that smile)

&– Blessings & Friendships

Today I went to go visit a couple old friends who I haven’t seen it about six years. Of course I went with my best friend who I’ve been friend with since the sandbox and we could’ve went on reminiscing for days. I always questioned why my old friends had to move and I found out the reason and was shocked. I can’t believe everyone turned out the way I did. Every time I tell someone I’m from Braddock (a beat down grey area) they’re always shocked because I’m not the usual statistic from that area. I have no children, I have a degree and I have my shit together. I don’t want to be where I am forever. I have dreams and aspirations that don’t involve someone else helping me get there. I look at some of the people I’ve grown up with and I question how did I turn out so different and at the same time I thank god for blessing me with all the opportunities he has given me. I seem to amaze people when I tell them what I’ve seen and my views on life. I still smile even though I’ve seen some things that wouldn’t make anyone as optimistic as I am. I’ve always turned to writing as my coping method. I grew up too fast one might say. I saw my father be arrested numerous times and I’ve seen my mother cry more. I’ve heard gunshots and I’ve been shielded from seeing gun wounds. I’ve seen my mother struggle with two jobs to keep us safe. I remember she would take us to work when she was a bartender and we’d play video games upstairs while she worked.  I’ve lost classmates who have had potential (like I’ll never forget the last time I spoke to Joe, (we weren’t close but I helped this guy with his senior project when he was having IT problems) and when I heard he was shot and killed I was shocked). I got to bed every night and pray that nothing terrible happens to my brothers. I’ll never forget as a kid visiting my father behind bars. It’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

&– I got to drive my car home today.
I drove my new (used) car home today and it’s okay. It’s not what I expected but it’s an awesome first car especially when I’m done putting my own little touches on it. My dad (my stepfather who I consider my dad) let me drive it home by myself. I was ecstatic. I drove all the way home singing “The wheels on the bus go ’round on ’round”, it calmed my nerves a lot. That was the first time I ever drove by myself. I take my test on Saturday and I’m generous but also exciting. I can do it. I also told my dad I dropped out of grad school. Apparently he didn’t know that. He gave me this huge lecture about if this is what I wanted to do and I was sure & I told him I was sure. I felt like he was a little disappointed in me but I graduated with a BA. That’s more than any of his other kids has done and I know what I’m doing. I’m chasing my dreams. I want to write books and gosh darn it I’m going to be the best fiction writer a girl can be. I’ve also been applying for writing jobs so I can finally put my professional writing degree to work.

It’s funny how you know what you want to be when you grow up and then you grow up and don’t want to be that anymore. Sometimes you realize you’re not done growing up. So I ask, what do you want to be when you grow up?