Fun fact: No one really knows what they’re doing!

The universe isn’t conspiring against you. In the age of instant gratification society thinks everything should happen within two days of asking for it. That is not the case with inner self-care. You can read every self-help book out there but unless you’re willing to put in the work with the person in charge (you), not much will change. In my 30 years of life I’ve learned some of the biggest lessons that form the foundation of self confidence.

Accept you’ll never have life completely figured out.

As soon as you come to terms with this realization everything becomes a little clearer and stress goes down a bit. I’m on a journey every day accepting what I cannot change and changing what I cannot accept. If you’re out to control the universe good luck with that because you could have your life figured out and an outside force could change the whole trajectory of your detailed and finely organized life goals. I remember telling everyone in high school that I was going to be a writer as I was writing full-length novels that they were devouring. Little did I know I was already a writer but that’s neither here nor there. I’m working in IT, freelance writing, and the mayor of my municipality. I saw none of that coming in my organized five year plan.

Accept life is going to throw you curve balls and you’re not going to catch every one of them. Just show up every day and try your best. You can’t truly hate yourself if you give it your best every time.

Ask for what you want

This was hard for me but a light bulb went off sophomore year in college. My middle child syndrome was truly showing its face when I approached my work-study supervisor and asked for a raise. My mantra was the worst thing she could say was no. She said that no one ever asked her that and we could investigate. Turned out it could be done but we would just cut my hours as I was allotted a certain amount of money. Since then I’ve asked for several promotions, negotiated work-from-home days, and rather it’s at work or in my personal life, if I don’t ask for it, I don’t expect anyone to know I want said thing.

Accept your flaws

Growing up I was teased for my dark skin, my behind (kids are fun), and anything else I couldn’t change about myself. At first it hurt me so much. Society has this thing for bulldozing girls’ self-esteem before they can even build it. But the beauty in having something bulldozed is I got to rebuild it. I got to decorate my self-love the way I wanted. If I could accept all that I was and all that I could not change, then I would be okay with what other people didn’t like about me. By senior year in high school I took inventory of my flaws and didn’t let people destroy the foundation I rebuilt because I didn’t give them the tools and opportunity to do so.

Affirm everything that you are

Inventory your strengths and step out on those! Believe in yourself for like five minutes and do it again all day. Self-doubt isn’t fun. Like, you may not be good at architecture and math but hey you’re creative or you have this charisma that makes up for it. Life wouldn’t be fair if you were beautiful inside and out and was good at math. The universe had to show some restraint when putting together the perfect recipe for your personality.

Some of us feel like imposters because we don’t have all the qualifications or we don’t feel like we belong in some spaces because we took inventory and we’re not good at this or that, but sit at the table, surprise yourself. As I said before no one really has everything figured out and can bring everything to the table but sit at the table with what you have and be comfortable even if it makes you uncomfortable for a tiny bit.