“Fact, the only thing I really figured out
Is that I’ll never have it all figured out,” – Big Sean; All Figured Out
Recently for the second time in my 34 years of life, I was laid off. That took a minute to digest but it wasn’t in a bad way. It had been seven years, I wasn’t growing in my role and it was the longest I had ever stayed put at a job. The universe works in really mysterious ways and it may take me a while but I’m here for it. I have mastered the art of being the chief chaos coordinator in my life as my 20s were full of chaos. In fact, I was laid off at 23 not knowing what it meant. I spent most of my 20s trying to control every wave of chaos that came and by 31 a light bulb went off and it sunk in that chaos was always going to come but it was how I dealt with said chaos and my mindset that mattered. Accepting that I will never have it all figured out is no longer scary. In fact, I welcome all surprises because good or bad it’s a writing opportunity. I will get things wrong and I’m okay with that. I will get things right and I will keep failing in different facets but I’ll keep learning. It’s not the mistakes that bother me as a writer I dissect what I learn from them. Yes, I let myself down from time to time because celebrations just don’t hit as hard if I have nothing to compare them to.
I recently not only lost my job but I lost a friendship and losing that friendship taught me a little about myself and accountability and doing the best that I can. Weirdly enough, it took a conversation with my best friend of 34 years to sit back and think about things as me and her have fallen out on several occasions. In fact, we spent one summer as teenagers fighting over a boy. There were even years while I was in college that we lost touch and she had children but I always seemed to pop up at the right time. This first friendship taught me that friendships will be tested and like most relationships, it takes work to maintain them. Yes, we drive each other crazy and don’t agree on everything but I wouldn’t want to and we’ve come to the consensus that we both have only-girl syndrome (it’s like only child syndrome but you’re the only girl – – It’s definitely a thing). All that to say that going back to that friendship and how it’s evolved over the years taught me about new friendships. Life really is like a very long game of The Sims I swear.
A few months back when chaos coordinating was at an all-time high I asked a former friend if she was happy. She sat and thought about it and it made her rethink things at 33 that uprooted her life and brought out some true intentions. Did I get hurt in the end for trying to help someone else coordinate their inner chaos? Yes! Do I regret it? No! Things may change but one thing I will always do is try my best to help people out as I like to see the good in them. If it turns out bad, I’ve learned a lesson but I’d rather say yes and get hurt than say no knowing that I could’ve really helped someone that I care about.
I used to say that 21-year-old me and 30-something-year-old me wouldn’t get along. But I think they would probably laugh together at some of the ridiculous stories because if anything chaos makes for great stories even if they made you cry at the time. And about that job, just like outgrowing people, you can outgrow places and things. I always land on my feet so I must be doing something right when it comes to coordinating my chaos to keep as much peace.
“Today I woke up and realized every day gets shorter
Every minute turns into the longest second, yet never ending
Age is nothing but a reminder and it doesn’t tell you
How old or young minded someone is… ” – Big Sean